im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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