I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
