I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
