Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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