I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
