You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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