i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
