you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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