I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Every concussion has its silver lining
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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