I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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