So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize