I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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