ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
