Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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