The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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