what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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