Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
