I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
