Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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