So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
