Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
