I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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