I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
