I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
