Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
