SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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