i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
