I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
