It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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