I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
