Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Randomize
