Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
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I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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