then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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