Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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