We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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