If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
