Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
