Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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