Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
