My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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