Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
