After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
