I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
