i think my tv is drunk
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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