i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
