You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
