When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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