oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
