Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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