oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
