worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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