Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
