U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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