Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
